One step, one day, one woman at a time.

Is it just ME, or do you, too have to pause a moment to think about how you truly feel about statements, such as this, from Bishop Desmond Tutu….

Dear friends, We men have made a mess of things. I want a world run by women! I think we are beginning to realise that we cannot have a fair world, a peaceful world, when we exclude half the population. It is not right that a child of God should be condemned to a life that is less than full, just because she is a girl. Give her the power to become all she can be and her world – which is ours, too – will be transformed.

I certainly respect and appreciate the humility of this statement.  So too, do I admire what I take as public acknowledgment that which the world collectively holds to be true.

On this day, March 8, the world celebrates International Women’s Day; a day to celebrate how far women have come and to look forward to all we can and must still do.  Celebrated by women Heads of State in the grandest of venues, women who live in conditions hard to believe could still exist in 2014 and every possible scenario in between, this is, indeed a day women should be proud of.  The tradition of this day should be sustained, triumphed over and shared in the corners of even the most remote of places where women have yet to find their voices.

Beyond that, which we should take as nothing short of obvious, here is where I have a problem…..my opinion, nothing more…

The world is in the condition it is because of exclusion.  Women were excluded from decision-making positions for centuries; but not really!  Women always made decisions when it came to family matters, how money was spent, how the house was run.  From where I sit, we always  held positions of great power; we just weren’t permitted to transfer that ‘power’ to the masses.

So, men did.  So…here we all are!

I don’t believe men did a bad job; at least not on purpose.  I believe they did an incomplete job, at best.  That’s because women were excluded on the ‘public’ platform.  The imbalance, which was the natural by-product. Perpetuated too long, things got out of hand, the pendulum swung wildly and men, like Desmond Tutu, the Dali Lama, Warren Buffet, former United States President Jimmy Carter and others have been awakened to the notion that, as always, women can solve todays’ global problems.

Women have extraordinary contributions to make to today’s world’ she always has.  But to task her with its complete redemption is to cause the pendulum to swing as wildly in another direction that over time  will create a mess all its own.

I believe the solutions always has – and always will be – a world of inclusion.  Here’s why I believe this to be true…

At the core of civilization is the family structure.  When the family structure functions so as to identify and implement to best talents of each member, the strengths of individuals, it, the family, will automatically be stronger.

When family after family turns out in and among the masses, that strength will be exponential and everyone benefits.

Can you imagine a meritorious world?  Wouldn’t it be wonderful!

Brain-power over beauty, empowerment over entitlement, the right and the option to participate how you chose to participate, to feed, rather than be fed. 

Do I dare to dream too much?  

The 2014 Winter Olympics recently reminded us of the unifying power of sports.  Title 9 Laws make possible for girls in the United States to have equal rights: school budgets, scholarship, equipment, and recognition equal to that of their male counterparts; that’s a good thing and I believe it is a sign of things to come.

Given the same opportunity, girls can achieve as highly as boys in everything.  When that right is spread across and around the world and we approach politics, the rights to learn and equality to earn, we will automatically establish an inclusionary world.  From that will come balance, harmony, vertical perspectives and better outcomes.

My sincere hope is that International Women’s Day will continue until such time as it transitions to a historical day when we recall how the world used to be and celebrate how much better it has become.

So, IS it just me, or do you, too, believe that a world that is inclusionary over exclusionary is a world that serves us all, for the right reasons and with more positive results?

To my family: Mom and Dad, all my brothers & sisters

 and my husband who encouraged and supported

me whenever I took the road less travelled.

Ebb and flow

Is it just ME, or have you, too, been hypnotized watching the ebb and flow at the water’s edge.

I’m blessed to live close to the ocean and able to observe its beauty on demand.

Watching the rhythm of the waves as they roll in and out and observing that, while there truly is a pattern, each effort made by the mightiest of waves or the gentlest of ripples, is unique.

Sometimes, the water splashes, sometimes it does not.

Sometimes it gently caresses the shore, sometimes it carves itself into the sand, taking some of it back to its open space.

Sometimes, the mark left is straight and easy to follow. Sometimes  it creates zigs and zags making walking its legacy next to impossible..

But always, it makes another attempt, as if to go a bit further, to leave more evidence of having been, and always knowing that it must retreat to gain its strength again.

It is mighty, powerful, relentless, perseverant, always present in one way, or another.

At times, it refreshes.  At times it instills a type of fear; better defined as respect.

In the reflection of the sky, it is every possible shade of blue; it invites.

In the night sky it seems to vanish, yet its strength is felt even more; respect for its power swells.

At dawn, its beauty returns.  Though night has come and gone it has not truly rested.  Rather, on another shore well beyond the horizon and under that sun, it is still licking the shore, sharing beauty, demanding wonder; always there.

Perhaps these are among the reasons the might sea is referred to as ‘she’!

Yes, that must be it; for the sea does possess all that women possess: strength, beauty, perseverance, omni-presence, as it were… always at work, always trying, always  leaving an impression.

What the ebb and flow of the ocean has taught me is that effort is worth it; the results will be what they will be based on that.  It has taught me the need to retreat, to re-group, to gather my strength and try again.  It has taught me that while some see a positive side, others may see a negative side.  It has taught me it is not for me to control; my task is to carry on.

As the sea can refresh or exhaust, nourish or deny, give life or take it, it teaches me that above all it will always be there.  How we use it is up to us.

So too is our time, our talent, our attention.  How we use all of our resources, our skills, our talents, will always be up to us.  But to think we will mean the same thing to everyone and for all the same reasons is to defy reason, purpose and passion and nature, itself.

So, IS it just me, or do you, too realize that just to be there is sometimes all that another requires of us,  it is sometimes the best we can do, it is sometimes the greatest  gift we give.

Till my soul is full of longing
For the secret of the sea,
And the heart of the great ocean
Sends a thrilling pulse through me.

Last verse from “Secret of the Sea”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

However long it takes…

Is it just Me, or do you, too, appreciate when others share – actually reveal – an inner thought an inner feeling?

The article, below, was shared with me by Cheryl Braxton, who generously asked me to share it with you.  I feel strongly that Cheryl is not alone on this.  In fact, I am quite certain Cheryl has more ‘friends’ than she imagines….

I AM WHO I AM

It may seem silly to some but I marvel at the sight of women gathering together enjoying some quality time.  Whether it is a book club on Friday night or the latest movie on a Saturday afternoon: having cocktails at their favorite night club or a group manicure or pedicure at their favorite spa: I think it must be pretty cool to have girlfriends to share your life with, to have them as your retreat from your regular day-to-day stuff wearing the many hats that we do. “I think,” because for all of my adult life, I have never been fortunate enough to be a part of a circle of girlfriends.  I've never been a Chatty Patty and held long conversations over the phone; I've never, on a regular basis, been in the company of several other women at one time: This had never been a part of my life style although there were times that I wished it were.  

My best girlfriend lives more than 200 miles away.  I see her just a few times a year and while I look forward to our daily chats on the phone, I never stay on too long.   I sometimes wonder if it’s me.  I mean, I like people so why don’t I have lots of friends.   I found that as I was growing older this had become a real issue for me, that is, my need to better understand the social me.  I've thought about it so much lately that I started researching into the matter.

  

I went as far as to ask my mom specific questions about my childhood behaviors; she had shared many things that I don’t ever remember talking about before.  She still had all my old report cards so I spent some time reading what the teachers had to say as well.

After all this and taking a good hard look at my present likes, dislikes and

what really makes me happy and who I am today, I have come to the conclusion

that I have spent most of my life as a square peg trying to fit into the

proverbial round hole.  I've been molded into living my life as an extrovert by the world I grew up in, but in retrospect it was never really me! 

I saw a brief interview with Susan Cain, the author of, Quiet: The Power of

Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (can’t wait to get my hands on the book) and finally feel validated!

I now understand why: As a little girl I could sit for hours playing alone with worms, ants and any type of bug and be totally content, why I had only one friend as a child and her name was Cheryl, too; why as a young woman growing up in the busy & over-crowded borough of the Bronx, I secretly thirsted for life in rural America, why even though I could hold a conversation with anyone at any given time, I have never been comfortable speaking to a crowd.  WHY I enjoy listening to “REAL” talk and not idle chatter especially not gossip, I find it such a waste of time, why on

my very first Caribbean cruise I had one suitcase just for my books, why I

prefer dinner with a couple of people listening to a live jazz band over a

concert hall with a crowd and why in this corporate world where team/group work is pushed so much, I prefer to work alone.   

I no longer have questions about who I am and why I don’t get the same enjoyment from running with the crowd, as some other women do, my best friend being one of them; talk about opposites attracting!   Now my only question is why it took me until 54 years old to figure it out!   There’s something about growing gracefully gray that prompts you to become truthful with yourself. Perhaps it’s because I feel I’m on the other side of my life cycle, my better side.  Perhaps it’s because it just takes too much out of me to be someone I’m not.  Or perhaps it’s, “just because’.  Whatever the case, I no longer have the need to pretend or to try to fit in. 

       

If you totally know who you are, I applaud you.  But if you have questions, like I did, and you are seeking the answers, I applaud you as well. Take the time to think about who you really are; doing so has made my life so much better!  For me this was a journey; for you it may be a sprint. However long it may take, ‘make it happen and let it be’!

I am who I am, and I’m finally glad about it!   

By Cheryl Braxton

So, IS it just me, or do you, too appreciate – even relate to what

Cheryl has shared?

BE who you are; be the best you can -  in that role.

Obstacles

Is it just ME, or do you, too, sometimes, feel weighed down by what you might call obstacles?

Please, tell me I’m not alone!

“You've been around long enough, Doll”, would be what my Dad would tell me, “You know how it goes.”

True, true, true…and that was many years ago!  I've had plenty of time to understand how right he was.

Obstacles are challenges.  I've come to think of them as little tests along the way. They pop up here and there as if to force me to dig down deep and determine my resolve about something, measure my passion for it, or reevaluate the value of its results.  They almost seemed timed or calculated.

Obstacles are not reasons to give up.  They are not indications of failure or poor attempts; they are just tests, trials, if you will, and they are there for a reason.

Take a moment to think about ANYTHING in your life that truly has great value that didn't – or doesn't come with its own set of obstacles: go ahead…think about it…make a list…I’d say I’ll wait, but then I’d be waiting a long time – for nothing of great meaning or value comes without obstacles.  They are tests!

Annoying or as challenging as they may be, obstacles build character.  They force you to think, to come up with alternative plans, to grow, to stretch your mind, your belief in yourself and what it is you have set out to do.  They are tests and as with most tests, you must take them, pass them, and move on to the next ….obstacle.

We live in a world with the want of instant gratification, entitlements, success for the very desire of it.  We want it all without challenge, without discouragement, without obstacles.  It usually just doesn't work out that way, now does it? 

Relationships, jobs, finances, children, friends…they all come with challenges; they all come with obstacles.  You have to compromise, consider the feelings of other – even when they don’t necessarily align with your own; these are obstacles; these are tests of the value and importance these relationships, jobs, finances, children, friends…mean to you.  If you are not willing to deal with the obstacles, the pain, the sacrifice that comes with responsibility, perhaps you have  identified the biggest obstacle in your life – YOU!

We are grown-ups, we are supposed to have coping mechanisms on demand. As women, we are supposed to produce these mechanisms, these means of dealing with obstacles, not just for ourselves but for everyone else, as well. Obstacles suddenly seem to have obstacles….UNLESS….

Unless and until you realize that obstacles, and your ability to deal with them, to handle them, and to overcome them can be your greatest accomplishments, your greatest opportunity to become better, stronger, wiser, you will not have experienced one of the greatest feelings of triumph, success and satisfaction.

  

You will have passed the test!

Leonardo Da Vinci put it this way, “Obstacles cannot crush me; every obstacle yields to stern resolve.”

So, is it just me, or do you, too, RESOLVE to show up for the test, take the test, pass the test and move on.  If you don’t pass the first time, take it again and resolve to never let an obstacle stand in your way.  When you get to the wall, you can do 3 things:  you can stare at it, you can go around it or you can climb over it.

Testing, testing; 1,2,3

We are survivors!

Is it just ME, or are you, too, hearing story after t\story about survivors?

Fascinating, these stories, that are truly so different, yet somehow, alike.

Well, thankfully, we survived the 2014 Winter Olympics.  Pre-game threats of violence dampened the spirit of many well before the athletes left their homelands.  Parents of many who had supported their children’s dreams of Olympic participation did not even travel to see those dreams fulfilled for fear of violence and threats of terrorism.

So, yes, thankfully, the world survived; the games began and were completed and all are safely back home, despite the heart-breaking stories that ran concurrent to the ‘Russian Olympics’ in neighboring and former member of The Soviet Union, Ukraine.  Sadly, not everyone survived there.

Four sibling orphans of Ukraine, who had already survived that which branded them as orphans did survive.  They survived and found a new home in Alabama, USA as an American couple adopted this family.  The new parents survived the daunting legal battles to adopt in another country, to be present during The Opposition uprising in Ukraine, hearing gun shots and bombs going off within half a mile of their hotel.  They have survived the separation of the new dad returning to The United States with  three of the children while his wife stayed behind to complete the adoption of the their fourth child.  They are surviving.

Last week marked the passing of the oldest living survivor of the holocaust.  At the age of 110, she who had endured more than anyone now alive on this earth can imagine, survived by virtue of her love of music.  In her lifetime, she not only survived the unbearable conditions of a Nazi concentration camp, she survived all that life thereafter would put in her path.  I cannot help but wonder how many times she may have asked herself, “Why me; why did I survive?”

This morning, I saw an early news report honoring three young American girls who had been held hostage for more than a decade in such an inhumane way that they bore the heartbreak of separation from the entire outside world, they survived cruel and tormenting treatment, rape, starvation, fear and neglect.  They survived.

What is it that gives any one the courage, the perseverance, the hope to survive so much pain, so much confusion, so much loneliness, so much cruelty?

I don’t have the answer to this question, but to hear of these three stories – and there are others – in as many days, makes me believe there is precious little one cannot survive when the will to do so is strong enough.

Could I?

I pray to never know; I pray the same for you.

But this I believe:  we are all survivors.  We all have the capacity to endure more than we dare to imagine.  We all can pull from that strength we never knew we had until the moment demands that we do nothing less.  We are survivors.

What is takes to survive is the will to do so, the belief, against all odds, that we can, and that survival is worth it.

What makes survival impossible is lack of will, lack of faith and believing there is nothing worth surviving for.

While the three examples described above are extreme by all standards, remember them when you feel things are too hard, the odds are against you, that you are not deserving or that life is not worth it.

I do think I have an answer for that…you are wrong.    

So, IS it just me, or do you, too believe – with all your heart – that life is a game worth being part of and while we are not likely to win in every moment, survival is always possible and it is always worth fighting for.

Survival; it’s a decision

Did she remember to go back and say, “Thank you”?

Is it just ME, or do you, too see this a bit differently? I so enjoy reading as much as possible of what comes across my desk or lands in my e-mail.  Of course, I don’t necessarily agree with everything and some of what  I haven’t agreed with has provoked some  thoughts behind a few of my own blogs. Below is something that I recently read…I don’t know, for me there is something missing…read the story shared below…I’d love for you to share your thoughts, as I share mine, at the end of the story…. The Friendship Vacuum Attracting Friendships that Serve You and Last a Lifetime! What you’re about to read is a love story... well, not so much a love story as a love letter - A Soul Sister story and one of the greatest lessons of my life, to date. There was a 5-year period in my twenties (up until about 2 years ago) where I found myself completely friendless. Sure I had my family, my boyfriend, his family and my coworkers but I didn’t have a BFF/female/friendship connection. It was a lonely time in my life.  How and why did I find myself in this situation? Well, believe it or not, it was by choice. I once read that if you’re the most successful, ambitious and driven of all your friends, you better find new friends. And in order to attract those new friends, you must first make room in your life to receive them – you must create the vacuum. At first that sounded just a tad harsh... I mean, I loved my friends, they’d been in my life for years! We’d been through all kinds of things together: dates, breakups, new careers and countless stupid decisions that often came back to bite us.  Some never did fool me - I knew they were only a part of my life out of convenience. But there were a handful that I felt I had developed true, meaningful friendships with. The idea that I might one day actually choose to move on from these friendships seemed completely improbable and highly unlikely. But that is exactly what happened. In 2007 I found myself longing for something more. I was working as a Nanny and, while I loved my job, I felt deep in my soul that something was missing. I was meant for more. I was capable of more. I had an entrepreneurial spirit that couldn’t be ignored. I began studying the work of James Allen, Napoleon Hill, Earl Nightingale and Bob Proctor. The information was mind blowing! The idea that my thoughts, feelings and actions determine my results was a truly liberating concept. I learned that I hold the key to the prison that is my mind. If I could control my thoughts, I could create anything I wanted! I remember introducing a couple of friends to my new world – those who I believed would be present in my life for a lifetime. I was so excited to share my discovery with them and disappointed that all I received in return was skepticism and negativity. It was deflating and discouraging, to say the least.    But then I remembered... if I’m the most successful, ambitious and driven of all my friends, I had better find new friends. And in order to attract those new friends, I must first make the space for them and create, what I like to now call, The Friendship Vacuum. As painful as it was I knew I HAD to make some changes with regard to the people I was hanging around. If I wanted to become a successful entrepreneur and have the time, money and mental freedom I longed for, I needed to spend time with others looking to achieve similar dreams – or better yet, people who have already achieved them. I started spending less and less time with those friends in my life who seemed perfectly happy and content where they were and had no desire whatsoever for something more. They weren’t bad people, by the way; they just weren’t interested in changing or growing or improving. Before long, I was lonelier than the man in the lighthouse. I quickly began questioning my decision. It was a mental battle each and every day not to pick up the phone and apologize for my mistake in order to rekindle our friendship. But I stayed true to my decision and wished them well. “Successful people make decisions quickly and firmly.  Unsuccessful people make decisions slowly, and they change them often.” - Napoleon Hill Keys to Success: The 17 Principles of Personal Achievement Months passed, then years, and I still didn’t have any new, close, true friends to speak of. And then there was one. Finally, after 5 years of waiting, waiting, waiting!  I would quickly discover that one is all I needed because the vision I held was very clear. I asked the universe for a BFF who... ·      Loves me unconditionally ·      Sees the beauty in my quirkiness ·      Is interested in growing and studying together ·      Can keep a secret ·      Let’s me in ·      Makes me laugh when I cry ·      Can find the positive in any situation ·      Is driven for success ·      Operates with integrity, kindness and positivity There are more traits I asked for, but those are the biggies. Enter Mykie Oyler. It seemed out of the blue when she entered my life; I didn’t see it coming, yet I knew she was on her way and I welcomed the opportunity for new friendship with open arms. Once we met it was so obvious that she was exactly who I had been waiting for - and well worth the wait. She was all the things I asked for, and so much more. There was no way I was squandering this answer to my prayers. I jumped in with both feet, complete faith and an open heart. I trusted her with my secrets. I let her see me cry. I let her in to my quirky side. And I offered her the same safe space of unconditional friendship, as well.   We became fast friends. Now, 2 years later, ours is one of the most precious and valued relationships in my life. Where I lack, she excels and visa versa. We’re an incredible team. And here’s an interesting insight I experienced by creating a Friendship Vacuum:  We don’t attract to us what we want; we attract what we are.    During those lonely years, I put all my time and energy into learning and applying the material I was both studying personally and working with on a career basis.   My mind became so clear and focused on the traits I dearly desired in a true friend, that I literally incorporated and reinforced those very same traits in myself.      I attracted what I wanted because it had become who I was. Isn’t that interesting? The Friendship Vacuum may seem like a scary concept – and rightfully so. But it’s worth it! And that’s why I challenge you to really consider your relationships and whether they serve and support you in your growth.  Here’s my promise to you: If you will get clear about what you want and who you want to be, create a space for it in your life, and be willing to give as good as you get - you will be very pleasantly surprised by the kind of quality relationships waiting on the other side of the Friendship Vacuum! To my Best Friend, my Partner in Crime, my Inspiration, my Soul Sister … I am grateful for you every day.  I love you. XO Becca This story comes from Becca Hanson, VP of Administration at the Proctor Gallagher Institute.

So, IS it just me, or do you, too, feel there is something missing here?  Fairly recently, I wrote that I have been blessed to have a handful of lifelong friends; those with whom we have shared life in every sense.  Of course I had numerous classmates and teammates I know I referred to as a friend at the time but I don’t recall making a decision to terminate a friendship because it no longer served me.   Life happens, of course and people lose touch, go their different ways – that HAPPENS.

When you truly have considered someone a friend in the absolute sense of what a friend is, think, rethink and then think some more before you give that person a friendship pink slip.

I am happy for Becca that she has attracted the friend she wanted, the friend she needed.  I do hope their 5 years grows and grows for their lifetime, I also hope Becca went back – at least in her heart – to appreciate those who no longer serve her needs; they brought her to that moment in time and helped make her who she is; I hope she at least said “…thank you”!

Think twice before you give up

 what cannot be replaced

Face it!

Is it just ME, or have you, too wondered what you might look like with a professional makeover?

Please, tell me I am not the only one!!

A professional makeover used to mean – and sometimes still does – that you get an updated hairstyle, a new outfit that suites you better & flatters you more and a new way of applying cosmetics.

Today, a makeover is often a ‘fakeover’!

Digital enhancing is used to create more flattering curves, better bone structure,  a more youthful body, a whiter smile, bigger eyes as well as enhanced other body parts!

A recent survey of non-celeb woman who participated in a full-blown photo shoot followed by ‘fuller-blown’ photo-shopping produced surprising reactions from the subjects of the survey:  they preferred their actual photos over the photo-shopped ones.  For this – and to them – I say, “Yes”!

Not only were the ‘befores’ their preference, they were overwhelmingly so. 

                                                     82%    vs   18%

I dare say we all know, perhaps quite well (!) women who criticize their physical appearance.  Wishing to be taller, thinner, having the perfect nose – whatever that is -  fuller lips….the list goes on.

By more than a 4:1 margin, women are finally becoming OK with their own physical reality defining their beauty as the uniqueness of their individuality over the elusive, if not impossible, Barbie -template of what we have been told defines beauty.

Kudos to the companies who now use ‘real’ women and girls in their ads and portray them as they are.

For at least a generation, there has been a debate about the damage the cover-girl image has inflicted on us, the average woman.  Knowing that even those we collectively agree are beautiful are photo-shopped for magazine covers, go  through pre- Red Carpet  binding and taping should bring the jury back on the issue of undue pressure on women to be the every woman: brilliant, beautiful, capable, accomplished.

Actually, this woman does exist; look in the mirror.  If you don’t see her there, ask yourself if you are looking for the right stuff, if you are willing to accept who and what you are and to know that if you are doing the best you can, well then you are good enough.

Beyond the mirror, look inside yourself.  If you know your actions are aligned with your beliefs, that results are equal to your efforts and that you are comfortable with how you feel, you, dear sister are just about as beautiful a woman as there can be.

Believe in who you are, lead with confidence and encourage others to do the same; you are, after all, a woman of leadership! 

So, IS it just me, or are you, too, willing to be the best you can be from the inside out?

Confidence

(Con fide: from the Latin: “with belief”)